Shut the Hell Up!

Michael Phelps gets caught taking a bong hit at a supposedly private party. So what. All the Hasselbecks out there are outraged. 'He's a role model. He's a role model. There should be consequences.'
First off, damn right he's a role model. This guy has been more focused and more determined than any other person his age that I can even think of. He has trained and pushed his body to do things that were once considered impossible. The greatest athletes in the world stand in awe of the things he can do and the best swimmers in the world fear his ability. The other competitors in the pool wish he'd take a few hits before a meet just to slow his ass down. And to top it all off, not only is he the greatest athlete ever, he's also humble and gracious and respectful of his teammates. Not to mention he loves his mama. Any parent should feel they had hit the child-raising lottery just to have a child grow up and be like Michael Phelps.
Secondly, as far as consequences go, I think perhaps finding out the hard way that you can't even go to a party at a friend's house and do the things that all other kids your age do without it being a topic of international debate - well maybe that's quite a consequence. Yes, I know pot is still illegal. I think the fact that it is is a bunch of BS, but that's another blog. Right, Woody? Besides, where it happened at, what Phelps was doing was only considered a misdemeanor. Maybe it would do more good to have him do a few PSAs for kids about making the right choices. Evidently one of those choices being 'know how to recognize when someone is really your friend or just some douche-bag with a cell phone camera'. Maybe you don't smoke the pot around said douche-bags.
So, Hasslebecks and other like-minded holier-than-thou ass-holes, Yes Micheal Phelps was tokin' on some sweet ganja, no he doesn't have glaucoma, and yes he knows it was perhaps the wrong thing to do. However, he's a twenty-something kid who has super-human abilities and who for the record has decided to take a year off from competing. So what if he wants to go a little buck wild. And, oh, by the way. Just because you see someone on the TV all the time and think you know them and the things they do doesn't make it ANY OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. So shut the hell up! The End.

Ann Coulter's a Big Fat Bitch . . . A Big Fat Bitch . . . A Big Fat Bitch

Oh, Ann, for why do you taunt me so? Your interview with Matt Lauer of the Today Show last week left me positively giddy. I sat giddily watching the television, hands clasped, eyes wide like a child waiting for Saturday morning cartoons. What would you say? What would you do? Oh, the anticipation was just too much. And alas, dear Ann, you did not disappoint.
Feeling a little left out? Here's the skinny. (pun intended) Ann Coulter has made the rounds for the past couple of weeks to endorse her new book "Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America" More on said book in just a moment. Ms. Coulter was scheduled to appear on the Today Show on Monday, but was bumped from her time slot by someone talking about something more important than herself. Something about the economy or the stock market or, well . . . who cares. Anyways, Ms. Coulter and that big fat chip on her shoulder went out and declared that the Today Show had banned her for life. A situation which I'm sure the producers wished were possible. Sorry, Today Show. Unfortunately Ann Coulter, like bird flu and extra baggage fees at the airport, are just problems of modern society that we are just going to have to learn to live with.
The Today Show, taking the higher ground, invited Ms. Coulter back for Tuesday's show. I'm assuming they wanted to show Ms. Coulter that she was not in fact, banned for life, as she herself claimed on her own website. However, giving this crazy lady any sort of forum is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. She just can't resist to let all of America know what a self-important, coked up, tranny (she has an Adam's Apple, people) bitch she really is.
Ms. Coulter denied that she said the Today Show had banned her for life blaming the whole thing on the Drudge Report. No doubt, but it's still right there on your own website, Ann. We liberals may be many things, but we do in fact know how to read.
Poor Matt Lauer was stuck trying to reason with this she-devil. Getting her to stay on topic was like trying to watch someone herd cats. Just not gonna happen. Watching an Ann Coulter interview is akin to watching a Robin Williams interview, but in a whole weird new way.
Finally she was able to promote her aforementioned book "Guilty:Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America" I just had to put it in here again. I do so love the title. Victims? Hmm? I suppose if you wanted to define victim as one who has been royally screwed for the past eight years and lied to by their government, then yeah, I guess Victim pretty much covers it.
The point that Ms. Coulter tried to make with her book however is that the 'Liberal Media' elected Barrack Obama by supporting him throughout the whole campaign, never giving John McCain a fair chance. She makes the argument that the hardest questions NBC's Brian Williams asked Obama were about his parents and how they would have felt about his life today, meanwhile Sarah Palin was forced to memorize capitals and Presidents of foreign lands so as not to appear stupid in interviews. 'Appear' stupid? Come on Ann, even my 9 yr. old daughter knows that Moose Twit didn't have to 'appear' anything. She is stupid. The GOP couldn't even make her appear sane, much less intelligent.
And as for John McCain . . . When a candidate for the Presidency of the Untied States of America appears at a fund raiser singing "Bomb, bomb, bomb. Bomb, bomb, Iran." Well, it's just kind of hard to pin that into anything even close to PC.
Hey Ann, you must have some really big balls (I'm guessing maybe, literally) to accuse the left of portraying themselves as victims when your own party can barely keep it's head above water.
I could go on and on about the audacity of this psycho witch, but I think it's best to let Ms. Coulter speak for herself.
Although I will leave you with one last snippet of Ms. Coulter's glaring hypocrisy and apparent lack of self-awareness. In May of 2003 she was quoted as saying, "It would be a much better country if women did not vote." I shit you not. She actually said that. You can't make this crap up. On the flip-side, however, Ms. Coulter has been accused of voter fraud. Twice. Way to go, Ann. Keep it real. And for God's sake don't quit what your day job. We liberals need stuff to bitch over, too.

The Nerve of This Guy

So by now you have all heard of Ol' What's His Name. You know the slimy governor from Illinois. Blogo . . . no that's not it. Bagosavits - not so much. Oh yeah, Blagojavich (after an extensive Google search I found out it kind of rhymes with son of a bitch if you say it real fast) Rod Blagojavich. What a name. Even Ann (it's all about me) Curry from the Today show just calls him the governor from Illinois. And since I'm no where near as falsely sincere as Ms. Curry, and it takes me like five minutes to type out Blagojavich one hellish letter at a time he will be referred to here as Gov. Alphabet (a nod to my northern friends).
Gov. Alphabet has gotten himself into a spot of trouble, as you may have heard. Apparently it's frowned upon to sell a seat in the United States Senate. Who knew? But here's the thing - I'm kind of finding it hard to hate the guy. I can just hear the Republicans now, but that's beside the point.
I feel like Gov. Alphabet has some great big huge shiny Christmas Balls (for the sake of the season) on him. Not only has he not apologized for his crime, at least with any sincerity. He doesn't even seem to get what the big deal is. And for my money, while of course I understand that it is wrong to sell a Senate appointment, I just can't figure out why everyone is so surprised.
The news media is acting like this is the first time anything like this has ever happened. Like George Bush just magically won the election in 2000. The Today show even trotted out Mr. GQ Dan Abrams, hot shot legal analyst, to explain to all us window lickers just why exactly it was wrong to offer up to the highest bidder the latest Senate seat up for grabs.
Come on this kind of thing must happen all the freakin' time, right? I mean, granted it's usually more of an "I'll scratch your back and you'll scratch mine" kind of a situation. But that's kind of my point. I have to admire Ol' Alphabet for going straight for the cash. He told it like it is, which is always high in my book. Of course he's going to jail for it, but I kind of see Gov. Alphabet as the kind of guy who knew that such a thing was always possible (and seriously- who knows what else he's done that deserves investigating) and just takes it as a matter of due course. Kind of like when the Godfather had to go in front of the Senate Committee.
So Gov. Alphabet will go to jail for attempting to solicit payment for a political appointment, but will anything really change? His potty mouth wife Carmella, I mean Patti will be waiting for him when he gets out and together they will hatch some new scheme to get on top and the only thing that will really have changes in the world of political appointments is that crooked politicians will just have to get even crookeder. (as a dog's hind leg, some might say) You've heard the old saying, haven't you? Build a better mouse trap and all you get is a smarter mouse.

Prayer in School -- I don't think so

I got a forwarded email today to sign a petition to put prayer back in public schools. Obviously such petitions are often futile and will lead to nothing more than filling people's in-boxes and giving them some small sense of purpose that they have done 'The Right Thing'. Now, anyone who has read my blog has probably already guessed what happened to said email. DELETE, of course. But it did get me thinking that perhaps such emails as these, and of course the ones who depict the face of Jesus in the clouds or sunset or some other such bull shit that we're supposed to forward to 10 'friends' in the next 24 hours or we'll come down with a raging case of Taiwanese Cat Flu or something, are really just symptoms of a messed up world.
Now please, don't send me emails telling me that I am a horrible person and that I just need to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior for all to be right with my world. Do I? Will it, really? So, enough. You are just wasting your time, not to mention mine. If you have embraced Jesus, or any other deity of your choice, and such a choice brings peace and meaning to your life, then I am happy for you. I myself have made a different choice and I am quite fine with it. Please do not concern yourself on my account.
Which leads me back to the bible-beating emailer. I was vaguely surprised to get any correspondence from this person at all. Evidently they are still trying to 'save' me. I say still because this is not the first unrequited attempt this person has made for my soul. About a year ago I opened my mailbox to find one of those little envelopes that either means you have gotten a Thank-You note from someones baby shower or your kid has gotten birthday invitation that you will be obliged to attend. Imagine my surprise when it was neither. I opened it up and it was a picture of Jesus (I'm just assuming here, having never met the man myself) cradling a little lamb. Sweet, but I'm still unmoved. I open it up to see what is on the inside wondering to myself that it is a little early for Christmas cards. Nope, no Christmas Card either.
Inside was a hand written note (always a nice touch when you're condescending to someone) that read "You are in my thoughts. I am praying for you during this time." What the hell? What time? It was not as if I, or someone in my family were dealing with a serious illness or a death. My life was really in a pretty good place at the time (still is for the record) and I couldn't figure out why someone would feel the need to pray for me. I looked further down the card to where it was signed simply "Blessings". No name but, Aha. The way the person had signed Blessings was strangely similar to the way that they had signed their last name on a birthday card a few weeks ago. I am, of course, no FBI handwriting analysis, but come on. I knew who it was and what she had done.
She had Hit-and-Run Prayer Carded me.
I had known this person since high school and we had always been pretty good friends. That is until she found the Lord. ( I didn't know he was missing) I have lots of Christian friends and all of them that know of my beliefs seem to accept them and at least respect that I am not a horrible person for believing differently than them. Just as I respect their beliefs. But this lady really crossed the line. I had assumed that we were friends only to find out that she thought I was such a terrible person that I needed to be prayed for the 'fix' me so I could still be in her inner circle. Well, save your breath to cool your soup with, lady. I'm just fine. And you can't accept me for who I am then that fine, too. I don't have time to deal with your particular brand of crap anyway.
And while we are at it don't send me any more God-thumping emails. If I didn't fall down upon my knees at sight of your prayer card, I'm certainly not going to sign your prayer in school petition either. Are you retarded?
I wouldn't sign that crap even if anyone else sent it to me. Prayer doesn't belong in school and if you think it does then send your kids to private school. My kids are just fine.
Religion is a personal choice and I for one think out public schools need to be more focused on making sure our children don't fall anymore behind the rest of the developed world in education. Maybe not so much time on saving their souls. Just look at George Bush. I heard he prays a lot. Seems to be working for him . . .Not. I think I'll not stay the course on this one and you, prayer card lady, can like it or lump it.
THE END!

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard Of . . . and I've Heard A Lot.

So I was checking out what was on TLC this weekend, 'cause I'm just that big of a geek, when I happened upon this show about these Purity Balls. Well, this is gonna be good, I tell myself and I was so not disappointed.
It was about these balls that these girls go to with heir fathers (mostly in the southwest Us, but they are catching on all over the country, where they basically pledge to not have sex until they are married. They even sign a contract with their fathers. Oh well, if there's a contract. How creepy?
I had to know more. Lucky me, they have a website (www.fatherdaughterpurity.org ) where you can go to learn that "The Father/Daughter Purity Ball is a memorable evening for fathers and daughters to spend time together . . . and sign a commitment to purity." Wickepedia says that it is sometimes even referred to as a "Purity Wedding" OK, now I'm officially freaked out.
Now, I have never been a huge fan of the whole 'wait for marriage' movement, popular as it is among most people. (You know, the one's mostly out of touch with all sense of reality. I wonder if Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, or Trigger, or Pokemon, or whatever the hell her name is had to sign one of these ridiculous contracts. Sure did work -- but that's another story) I just find it so unrealistic to expect a person to wait until marriage to have sex, especially when you are also telling them to wait until later and later to get married.
Of course I am not promoting any sort of free-love movement or anything (although it'd be a lot cooler if I did). I'm just saying that there has got to be a way to teach our daughters their self worth with out making them sign some ridiculous commitment to their fathers until they sign some (some would say equally ridiculous) commitment to their husbands. When do these girls get to be masters of their own sexuality?
You certainly don't have to give it up to the first person with a wine cooler at Joe Bob's after-prom party. But on the other hand, perhaps you should experience some of what life has to offer before you make such a major decision as who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
And what about the girls that do save it for marriage, guarding it 'till the end like it's some sort of secret? Guess what? It ain't. What if they make it to the wedding night, they've found the most amazing guy, and they just can't wait any longer, this is gonna be so great, and (drum roll please) it sucks.
Then what? Your stuck, is what. This is it? This is what they make movies about, what wars have been fought over, what Bon Jovi was singing about all that time? This is what I've been saving? What a crock!
Now, please don't get me wrong. Saving yourself for marriage is a totally personal decision and it may work for some people ( I don't know who - but someone). But that's just my point - it's personal. Why do you have to sign a contract with your father, of all people, to prove it? It's more than just a little weird. It's a whole new and backhanded way of sexualizing young girls and in turn cheapening that sexuality by taking their choice out of the equation.
Some people just need to get a grip. If you talk to your daughters and are open about sex and pay them a little attention now and then, then maybe they won't be so apt to fall into bed with the first Joe Six Pack who looks at her. If your daughter knows her own value then she will also be able to identify the people who respect and value her in turn. Maybe it won't be her husband, but who cares? I would rather that, than my daughter wound up married to some dick because she just couldn't save it any longer.
And by the way, why is no one having Purity Balls for boys? Is a boys sexuality not any more precious than a girls? Or is yet again a double standard placed on girls to keep women in their place? If that's the case, it seems to be working. I'm certainly in my place and content to stay there.