Keila's Tell It Like It Is

Bit of the Bluegrass

2010-08-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

I will now be writing at Bit of the Bluegrass. Bit of the Bluegrass is a new lifestyle site that shares the joys of living in Kentucky. We have a little bit of everything and we are geared towards a slightly younger, hipper crowd than most publications dealing with life in the Bluegrass State.
I will definitely still be writing here because, as my brother recently pointed out to me, I have a lot of anger towards -well -people. This is true, I won't deny it. But I would like to qualify the "people". I cannot stand stupid/ignorant/bigoted/small-minded/loud-mouthed/moronic people. I realize that this covers a rather wide demographic, but really if people would just listen to me in the first place then we wouldn't have such problems, now would we.
That is where Bit of the Bluegrass comes in. It is my chance to be pro-active, so to speak. I find that I do a lot of bitching about my neighbors. Now I can focus on more of the positive aspects of living in KY. And turns out, there are quite a few. I intend to chronicle every one of them.
http://www.bitofthebluegrass.com/

Way to Go, Captain Obvious!

2010-08-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

A recent NBC/WSJ news poll stated that Americans are dissatisfied with Congress. Reeeeeaaaalllly?!? I, for one am shocked and awed! To think that our congress could not do their jobs to a level satisfactory. . .sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face on that one.
Of course Americans are fed up with Congress! I also get upset with my kids when they fight with each other just for the sake of arguing. But here's the thing - they are KIDS! And contrary to all available evidence, members of Congress are not, in fact, children. Though who could tell. What with them arguing over everything up to and including the color of the sky.
In other breaking news 75% of Americans now agree that water is wet. 5% said that it was, of course, not wet. The remaining 20% said that they were waiting on Sarah Palin to tell them what to think about it.

From Russia with Intrigue

2010-07-02T05:47:00.000-07:00

Have y'all been following this Russian spy crap? I didn't even know the Russians even still cared. I thought they were jsut hanging out with the rest of the world drinking vodka and waiting on us to F it up. But they have put together a spy ring that looks like, well, I'm not exactly sure and that's kind of the point.
They had the requisite Bond Girl-like siren. Evidently it was her job to infiltrate the NYC party scene and report back to Moscow that boots are in for fall and the new Sex and the City movie was rather disappointing. Then there was the soccer parents, we'll call them Boris and Natasha, who were spying on their suburban neighbors, one of whom was an investment banker. The last vaguely democratic thing this poor guy did was write a sizable check to the Clintons. And then, just for flavor I suppose, there is the Spanish language reporter. What the hell?!? Where does she fit in? "Yo quero Smirnoff!"
Then to top it all off, the alleged ring-leader of this whole bad-news bears spy ring, we'll call him Fearless Leader, was caught in Cypress. And what does the government of Cypress do? They turn him loose. On bail, of course. Oh, well, if you made him post bail. . . You idiots! He's a Russian spy! Christ on toast, don't you people ever watch a freakin' bond movie.
Or, hell, even Austin Powers would have handled the situation better than this whole debacle. He is, after all, an international man of mystery. Now, if you'll excuse me, my neighbor, Ivana is knocking and she's looking a little nervous.

Just Sayin'. . .

2010-06-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

So I was just trying to occupy myself with a little online retail therapy. I thought I would once again pray to the commercial gods by giving my money to Old Navy. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cheap Tshirt. I go to type in the sites address on my laptop when I'm interrupted by one of my ~~monkeys~~ beautiful children so that I only got as far as www.o when I accidentally hit enter. As you can imagine there is no www.o but what was the first thing my automatic google search turn up. http://www.oreilly-sucks.com/ . A site dedicated to news and information about Bill OReilly, Fox News, the real No Spin Zone, yada yada yada.
So out of all the websites that begin with "O" on the whole wide world, the one that google thinks is most relevant is oreilly-sucks.com. Couldn't agree more. Just sayin'. . .

The Gift of Eloquence

2010-06-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go to Ireland this year. It is my hubby and my self's tenth wedding anniversary in August. When we got married we were 20 and 22 years old and quite frankly, poorer than church mice. Heck, church mice looked at us with pity. We didn't have much of a wedding and we promised ourselves that for our tenth anniversary we would do something special. A sort of second honeymoon, if you will. "But time runs on, runs on."
I went back to school and we had two babies. My husband, bless him, kept his nose to the grindstone and did his job and did it well, eventually becoming Captain of an Inland Towing Vessel. He's a towboater and I'm a stay-at-home mommy. Two things that I daresay we would never have imagined ourselves being 10 years ago. "But time runs on, runs on."
Eventually we saved enough money to move out of our dumpy one bedroom apartment into a little house. It was small but we loved it and were proud of it. We bought our first new vehicle, my husband trading in his circa-high school sports car to buy us a dependable family car. When our family got bigger we built our dream house on a hill. It's far from a McMansion and not even very fancy, but that's us I suppose. Casual and fun-loving with big dreams."But time runs on, runs on."
We've taken family vacations to that most American of family destinations - Disney World, we've gone to lake houses in Wisconsin, explored caves right here in Kentucky, visited beaches in Florida and South Carolina, and hiked the Great Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. For my husbands 30th birthday we, with a group of our best friends, spent a long weekend in Sin City - Las Vegas, Nevada. And for my 30th birthday we flew 1,000 miles halfway across the country to Oklahoma City, OK to see my very favorite band in the world -U2. Needless to say, neither one of us looked on our 30th birthdays with distaste. Actually I wonder what 40 will bring? "But time runs on, runs on."
Now it is time for the anniversary of our wedding to roll around and there was no where my husband and I wanted to visit more than Ireland. My husband said "Anywhere in the world, babe." Shopping in Paris, museum hopping in Rome, Safari in Africa, beach bumming in Hawaii, Mediterranean cruise perhaps? No thank you. I want to go to Ireland! My husband could not agree more.
So we bought all the travel books and watched all the shows on Travel Channel trying to build our wish list and itinerary. We even went so far to get some sample itineraries and quotes from myguideIreland. They could not have been more helpful. Their website is very informative and thoughtfully laid out. They answered my emails promptly and even went so far to call me personally on the telephone to finalize details.
Why Ireland? some might ask. Why not Ireland, I respond. I want to see castles and rolling green hills. I want to drink in a pub and see where Guinness is made. I want to walk where poets walked and walk. I don't want to lay on some beach drinking mai tais until my eyes cross. I want to wrap up in a heavy Irish wool sweater and feel the cool breeze and rainy mist on my face and drink Jameson's until my eyes cross. I want to kiss the Blarney Stone and receive the gift of eloquence. Hubby wasn't too sure about that one, but like I pointed out, I ain't flying half-way around the world to go on my dream vacation and not kiss that damn rock! "But time runs on, runs on."
As I've said, my husband is a towboater and part of what that means is that he works for 28 days and is home for 28 days. Having him home for six months a year is certainly wonderful, but unfortunately he only has six months to do everything that needs done. Family obligations, holidays, the kids school schedules, doctors appointments, and house maintenance all take precedence over our travel schedule. However, we started early. We got out our calender, marking off all the dates that were absolutely out of the question, and finally came up with the end of September as the best time for us to go. We can't go in August on our actual anniversary because Hubby will be. . .on a boat. We made all other necessary scheduling plans accordingly. Until last week. Last week I realized that September 25 is my Dad's birthday.
Of course September 25 has always been my Dad's birthday. This is nothing new, or even orriginal. What is special, however, is that this year my Dad turns 50. The big 5-0! And he wants to celebrate it at our families lake house in northern Wisconsin. 900 miles away. And since I had, previous to adding two and two together, planned an elaborate "Things that are older than Dad" routine and a multi tiered gift involving some pretty elaborate planning and secret keeping (that I just realized I can't reveal here because he is a regular reader. Good ol' Dad!), it would be pretty selfish of me not to be there. My Dad would protest and say "No no, go on your trip" But come on, it's my Dad and he's turning 50. "But time runs on, runs on."
So I guess it is curtains for my Ireland trip this year. My husband assures me that we will just save our money and take a bigger and longer trip next year. That's nice, I say, knowing that next year it will be something else. Or the year after that, or the year after that. Honestly, I can feel the tears as I write this. I have cried many tears for Ireland and I've never even been there. It must be as beautiful and magical and faery-filled as I imagine. Else, why would I want to go so badly?
Someday, I promise myself, I will walk the hills of Ireland. I will sleep in a castle. I will drink a pint in a pub. I will buy my children fine Irish wool and maybe myself some beautiful Waterford crystal. I will kiss the Blarney Stone and I will come back to the States the most eloquent southern belle that ever walked. I promise myself all of these things and yet. . .
". . .time runs on, runs on."

It's Been Such a Long Time. . .

2010-06-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's not that I've had nothing to bitch about, believe me. It's just that- life, you know? But, I've made a few adjustments to the way I've been doing things and have found that I do after all, have time to rant. Add to that, I recently saw something that I just could not keep to myself.
I do love an infomercial. I'll be interested in buying most anything if it's sold on TV two for $19.95. But wait! There's more! I own chef Tony's Miracle Blades, the Grip-n-Flip, Bare Minerals Makeup, and of course ProActive. Have you seen Jessica Simpson's skin? I have purchased the Snuggie, the Bump-It, and Debbie Myers Green Bags. And I am convinced that I have the answer to the Gulf Oil spill. They should use Mighty Putty to stop the leak and then Sham Wows to mop up the spill. Simple!
But I have now seen something that, quite honestly, even I wouldn't buy. I have seen Pajama Jeans. Seriously. They are pajamas that look like jeans. I am not exactly sure if the intent is to look good while you sleep, or to be comfortable while you go about your day. Because actual jeans are not casual enough. Are you kidding me here. I am all for comfort, but I have to seriously question any product that encourages further sloppiness in the American Fashion Repertoire. Are mom jeans and stretch pants not enough? Not to mention cleverly embroidered holiday sweatshirts.
I am, admittedly, not the best dressed person on the planet. I frequently leave the gym to run my errands about town in - GASP- the same clothes I worked out in. And some days even when I haven't gone to the gym I will rock the yoga pants to give off the illusion of active mom on the go. I fully expect Stacy and Clinton to jump out from behind a bush any day now to take me to fashion jail. But even I would not wear a pair of Pajama Jeans.
Who are these people trying to kid here? Are they jeans? Are they pajamas? Who can tell? And what's the point anyway? No one can even see them underneath the Snuggie anyway.

What Ted Kennedy Means to Me

2009-08-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

I knew that he was old. I knew that he had a brain tumor. I knew that he would die - and soon. What I did not know was how it would affect me.
I did not know Senator Ted Kennedy. Would never have had any reason to have met him. But as I turned on the news yesterday morning and learned of his passing, I was filled with a deep sadness. I feel that America has lost more than we will ever realize.
I have watched all the news specials and will watch the coverage of his public memorial this weekend. I feel that it is important that we do all we can to celebrate the life of this youngest, but arguably most effective Kennedy brother. It is just as important, perhaps to note his past failings because they have made him the lion that he was. Kennedy made many (and public) mistakes in his life. But, to his credit, he never disowned them. And always, he recovered stronger.
Kennedy took to heart his mother, Rose Kennedy's, favorite bible quote. "From those to which much has been given; much will be expected" (from Luke 12:48) Yes, he was a Kennedy and all that that entailed. But first and foremost he was a public servant.
Will we ever again find in today's generation those who feel called to public service just for the sake of said service? Will there be those who step forward who will not compromise their principles and in so doing will gain the respect of their political enemies? Will there be those left in the Senate who know when it is beneficial to stand tall behind party lines and when it is prudent to reach across the aisle?
Senator Kennedy was the author of a staggering 2,500 bills. The programs and laws that he helped enact are countless. For many of our rights as 21st Century Americans we owe a debt of gratitude to Sen. Kennedy. He was a champion of civil rights as a natural continuation of his brothers' works. He championed women's rights before it was politically correct. He stood up for gay rights before it was cool.
Yes, there are many things for which to thank Teddy Kennedy and his service not just to Massachusetts and the US Senate, but indeed to all Americans. But that for which I will always be grateful to the Liberal Lion is a sense of awareness for the problems that we face and a willingness to stand up and do something about it. Teddy did not shrug away from voicing unpopular opinions, and neither shall I (no matter how insignificant I may be). As another great man (my grandfather) once said, "Nobody ever said doing the right thing had to be easy."
Ted Kennedy's life was oftentimes not easy, but he will always be remembered as great. Yes, he made mistakes. But he was a good man who dedicated his life to trying to do good for others. At the end of a long and eventful life, can there be a higher compliment?
What a statesman! What a life!

Marriage Confusion - or something kind of like it

2009-07-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

As I set and watch my news this morning, I am moderately surprised to see that West Virginia, my neighboring state (with more air time than sense), has decided to have their state supreme court (supreme being a relative term) define marriage. Of course that definition would be that marriage exists between a man and a woman.
What the Hell? Are you kidding me? Are you homo-hating conservs really that threatened that you have to define marriage? Yes, I know other states have done it. But if Alabama jumped off a bridge, would you? Don't answer that.
Now before I go any further let me say that I consider West Virginia one of the most beautiful states in the country. The natural beauty cannot be matched. Unfortunately that beauty does not extend to its people. The problem with West Virginia is that it's filled with West Virginians.
Back to the point at hand. Why do we have to be married at all? One local attorney in my hometown recently ran an add in our paper that he would personally pay for the wedding of any couple in the community that had been co-habitating for a certain amount of time. WTF? Why this sudden need to have all the heteros happily married off?
I don't think that any of us need to be "married" at all. I think the laws should be changed so that any couple (no matter their sexual affiliation) should be able to go to the courthouse and obtain a civil union, or partnership, or whateverthehell you want to call it. It should be treated like the business partnership that it in fact is. Then if you want to have a wedding, then that is a private thing for you to deal with with your spiritual leader, or not. To share with your family and friends, or not.
I just don't get why it has to be so damn hard. If I want to take my dog down to the courthouse and enter into a partnership with him, I should be allowed to. Now if we later decide to make vows in front of our closest friends and family where I vow to keep his food bowl always full and he vows to not lick his balls on my good rug - well then that's between me and my dog. As it should be.

A Whole new level of "Kiss My Ass!"

2009-05-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing. I was watching my soap the other day, (yes, I'm a stay-at-home mother who watches soap operas. What of it?) only I can't watch it during the day, because I'm often too busy. So I watch it at night on Soap Net after the kids have gone to bed. So I'm watching, I'm watching, I'm guiltily enjoying all the drama. What kind of new trouble has that Sami cooked up now? Then, damn it, another commercial. She was just about to reveal who the baby's real father is. Crap. But wait. What's this? A new show on Soap Net. It's called Southern Belles - Louisville.
Now normally I am anti-reality TV. I consider it neither reality nor very good TV. But I'm from Kentucky, right? So of course I'm gonna have to check this out. It will have to be more real that those Real Housewives Of shows, right? I mean come on. It's Kentucky.
So the premier rolls around and I get ready to tune in with a jaded eye. And boy was I glad I hadn't set my hopes too high on this one. What a bunch of BS. These women lead lives so not even close to my own reality it's like we don't even live in the same state. Now, of course I know that geography doesn't count for everything. But it's gotta count for something and besides these women weren't even vaguely human as far as I'm concerned. Louisville or not, I refuse to validate these whoores rolls as quasi-celebrities for one second longer. Oh, darlings, get over yourselves.
There are five of the so-called belles, each one just as annoyingly grating as the last. My favorite of the moment though is Kellie. Poor Kellie. Poor poor Kellie. Evidently we should all feel very sad for Kellie because she has just gone through a very painful divorce. For the second time. (She's 32) And has had to "downsize" into a smaller home that frankly is quite a bit larger than the home I live in now which I consider to be almost too large for my family of four. Kellie is also trying to make adjustments to her new salary (read: divorce settlement). She is having to fly commercial instead of private and is having to buy her clothes -gasp- off the rack. Poor girl. Louisville is a great on wonderful city to be sure, but I don't even know where one would go to not buy off the rack.
I also really like Shea. Shea comes from money. And when I say money, I mean MONEY. Think Ron White when he says his in-laws are "llllooooooooaaaaaaddddeed." And Shea wants everyone who sees her to know just how much money she has. Or rather, Daddy has. And lucky Shea has found her dream man. (Starter husband - whatever) This poor guy is killing himself just to keep up with her demands and he doesn't even seem to know it. Shea is even planning their elaborate society wedding, and he hasn't even proposed. Love it. Dude, I have just one word for you. RUN!!!
So seriously, people. Please please please don't watch this show. Don't give these girls any more validation than they already get. Boycott Southern Belles - Louisville with pride and know that a real Southern Belle is one that knows that it's not all about the money or the house or the divorce settlement with all the zeros. She is one who says please and thank you, and yes ma'am and no sir. She can wear linen without wrinkling it (too much) and she knows how to brew the perfect pot of sweet tea. She wears her hair big to be "closer to Jesus" and she knows just why every southern woman has a coffee cup of bacon grease in her refrigerator. Be cool Kentucky, and don't give these "Belles" the attention they so obviously desire.

Ellen - take my kids. Please!

2009-05-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

I was taking my kids to school this morning and I had the radio tuned to the local station WUGO/WGOH 102.3 in Grayson, KY) to try and get a little weather info for my day. They were talking and talking, as they are prone to do, about a whole lot of nothing when voice A said that he had something interesting to share that had to do with mother's day.
He had a poll that someone had done about how people feel about celebrity mothers. It was mildly interesting. Best celebrity mother - Jennifer Garner. OK, if you say so. Best celebrity step-mother - Jada Pinkett-Smith. Yeah, she seems pretty cool. Worst celebrity mom - Courtney Love. Totally, but whatever. Like I said, it was mildly interesting drive time prattle. Until . . .
Voice A then shifts his voice and says that there is a part of the poll he doesn't agree with. "Oh?" asks Voice B, "What would that be?" Evidently he already knows. Now this station is an admittedly conservative, quasi-Christian entity and I have often said that if I won the lottery the first thing I am doing is buying the station and changing it to indie/alt rock and my drive time show would be called "Shut the Hell Up". So I was kind of ready for some sort of unwed mother republican bullshit. But, yes it's true, they even surprised me. Turns out ignorance know no bounds.
The question was what celebrity would you be most willing to leave your kids with. Hmm, that's a good one I thought. What could people have possibly said that would have gotten these gas bags panties in such a wad? Brittney? Nah, who in their right mind would leave their kids w/ her? That's a real head scratcher.
So, wanna know who they deemed such an unfit role model, such a "sad commentary on the way our society thinks today", who no decent God-fearing, bible-thumping republican, should never leave their kids with?
Ellen. Ellen freakin' DeGeneres. And her "gay lover, partner,whatever, I'll not call her wife 'cause in the eyes of God they're not married Portia DeRossi."
Are you fucking kidding me? Ellen DeGeneres is the biggest threat to child development out there? Give me break, people. God forbid we would let someone who is in a stable relationship (by whatever label you want to put on it), has a highly successful career, is community and globally minded, is extremely generous, fair, and kindhearted look after your children. No we certainly wouldn't want that, now would we? What a crock of bull.
Hey, Go Radio, get over yourselves. I may not have always agreed with you but I at least respected you for having stuff on the air that I at least knew I wouldn't have to screen for my kids. Not anymore. I will not be tuning in anymore. You may not want your children (or grandchildren, as the case may be) to be exposed to gay people, but I don't want mine to be exposed to Ignorant Dumb Asses. Even my daughter, who is nine BTW and highly politically and socially savvy, couldn't believe it. "What's wrong with Ellen," she screamed. "Ellen's cool!"
That's right, sweetheart. Ellen is cool. But more than that Ellen is someone who I would be proud to let take care of my children. And that's saying something.

Ugly on the Inside

2009-05-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

It's old news by now that Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean is a homophobe. She spoke out against gay marriage in the finals of the pageant and claimed that that is what cost her the crown. Perhaps. But generally it's not the best idea to give a crown to a bigot. But whatever.
Much has been said since then, mostly from conservatives, about how admirable it was that at least she had the courage of her convictions and was not afraid to stand up for what she believes in. Big F-ing deal. Hitler had the courage of his convictions too. Stay the course. The surge is working.
But now, yippee! Imagine my excitement upon turning on the news this morning to learn that Miss Prejean had previously posed for semi-nude photos and that said photos had been leaked to the media. hehehehe.
Now, normally when a situation such as this arises I say 'it's no body's business what a person does in their private lives' and honestly if I looked like Miss Prejean it wouldn't be a matter of nude photographs that anyone would have to worry about. My ass would be walking around naked for everyone to see. So more power to her on that front. But I digress.
The point is that Miss Prejean set her own self up as a moral example with her little morality play during and after the Miss USA pageant. She wrapped herself up in her so-called Christian Faith and now it appears she's a little tangled.
According to Prejean the whole thing was not her fault. The photos were "surreptitiously leaked to a tabloid website that openly mocks me for my Christian faith." Umm excuse me. Didn't you mock your faith yourself when you donned those little pink panties (and nothing else) and said cheese?
Bitch, give me a break!
Carrie Prejean, you are a real piece of work. Your faith is what guides you and teaches you what's right and wrong. But then when you do something stupid it becomes an excuse for others to attack you. Wake up and smell the holy-water, sweetheart. They're attacking you because you're a hypocrite. Big Time.
Prejean also goes on to say that she feels that the attacks on her and others who "speak in defense of traditional marriage" are intolerant and offensive. Guess what, Princess? I find your bigoted views intolerant and you stupidity offensive. So put that in your crown and smoke it!

Placebo For the Masses

2009-03-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

Well it was bound to come to this sooner or later. And here we are, sooner. The Catholic Church has pissed me off. I think that anyone who has read this blog know how I feel about organized religion (we won't get into all that today), but the Catholic Church is the very worst of all. They just burn my ass. I think I hate them more than the Mormons. (I don't really go in for Jesus - but the Western? Come on!)
So here's the thing. I was informed, by an un-named yet equally pissed off source about a rape case in Brazil - the most Catholic country in the whole wide world. Turns out that the victim of this rape was a nine-year old girl. And who was she raped by, you might ask. That's right- the step-dad. And as if all that wasn't bad enough this little girl winds up pregnant. With twins! Sounds like a freakin' Spanish soap opera, right? Well, it's all true. But here's where it gets really weird.
The mom takes the girl to get an abortion. Mind you abortion is illegal in Brazil, what with all the Papists and all. But in cases where the mothers life may be in danger a judge can allow it. The girls legal representation argued that given the fact that she only weighed 80 pounds and she is only nine years old (remember?) her little body couldn't be expected to successfully carry one fetus, much less two. So the judge agrees. Not so much on the count of her being 9 years old, but more an account of her body being so small. Evidently if she'd have been a husky little nine year old all would have been kosher. (No? I can't say 'kosher'? Oh, well.)
So finally the girl's mother is granted permission to get her an abortion at 15 weeks gestation. And the step-father is prosecuted and put in jail. So this should be the end of the story right? I mean, with some counseling and family support this girl should be able to go on to a relatively normal life. Not so much. This is where the shit-stirring Catholic church steps in.
Evidently even in extreme cases such as this one, the church can't relax it's position on abortion not one little bit. They have issued a statement saying that anyone involved in helping this girl procure an abortion will be excommunicated. The doctors and nurses who performed the procedure, the judge and lawyers who allowed it, and most especially the mother who sought it. Strangely enough they haven't included the girl in their superficial edict. Apparently since she is a minor she had not control over whether or not she had the abortion. You know, like how she had no control over getting raped by her step-father and left to bare his demon seed.
The publicist for the diocese where the girl lives (yes the Catholic Church has many publicists - most large global corporations do) issued a statement that it was their position that she should have been allowed to carry the babies as long as was medically possible and then have a C-section. That would have been 'God's will'
Perversely, no comments have been issued concerning the step-father and his immoral and illegal act that started this whole damn mess in the first place. One would almost have to believe that the Catholic Church turns a blind eye in cases of child molestation. . . Oh, wait. My bad. They do do that. Well, at any rate, maybe the guy just said he was sorry for it and all was forgiven. Sounds about right.
The whole thing boils down to the fact that the Catholic Church is pissed of about the fact that their are now going to be two less Catholics in the world. Two less Catholics who would then tithe to the church and who would spawn more little Catholics to tithe to the church and so on and so on. The Catholic Church doesn't care about the health and safety of it's parishioners. One might argue that they don't even care about their spiritual well-being. The only thing the Catholic Church has proven that it cares about time and time again is the bottom line. What is going to make them the most money. Or at the very least cause the smallest loss.
I have heard it said that religion is like opium for the masses and I would have to disagree with that. At least when you take opium there is some sort of tangible effect going on. I would have to say that religion is more like a placebo for the masses. It works because you believe it's working right up until the point when you actually need it to be there for you.
So way to go Catholic Church. It's only March and already you have won 2009 Big FUCK YOU award. You should thank your CEO Pope Benedict (who by the way sounds like Col. Klink from Hogan's Heroes.) and your millions of blind lemming followers who made it all possible. Congratulations.

Shut the Hell Up!

2009-02-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Michael Phelps gets caught taking a bong hit at a supposedly private party. So what. All the Hasselbecks out there are outraged. 'He's a role model. He's a role model. There should be consequences.'
First off, damn right he's a role model. This guy has been more focused and more determined than any other person his age that I can even think of. He has trained and pushed his body to do things that were once considered impossible. The greatest athletes in the world stand in awe of the things he can do and the best swimmers in the world fear his ability. The other competitors in the pool wish he'd take a few hits before a meet just to slow his ass down. And to top it all off, not only is he the greatest athlete ever, he's also humble and gracious and respectful of his teammates. Not to mention he loves his mama. Any parent should feel they had hit the child-raising lottery just to have a child grow up and be like Michael Phelps.
Secondly, as far as consequences go, I think perhaps finding out the hard way that you can't even go to a party at a friend's house and do the things that all other kids your age do without it being a topic of international debate - well maybe that's quite a consequence. Yes, I know pot is still illegal. I think the fact that it is is a bunch of BS, but that's another blog. Right, Woody? Besides, where it happened at, what Phelps was doing was only considered a misdemeanor. Maybe it would do more good to have him do a few PSAs for kids about making the right choices. Evidently one of those choices being 'know how to recognize when someone is really your friend or just some douche-bag with a cell phone camera'. Maybe you don't smoke the pot around said douche-bags.
So, Hasslebecks and other like-minded holier-than-thou ass-holes, Yes Micheal Phelps was tokin' on some sweet ganja, no he doesn't have glaucoma, and yes he knows it was perhaps the wrong thing to do. However, he's a twenty-something kid who has super-human abilities and who for the record has decided to take a year off from competing. So what if he wants to go a little buck wild. And, oh, by the way. Just because you see someone on the TV all the time and think you know them and the things they do doesn't make it ANY OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. So shut the hell up! The End.

Ann Coulter's a Big Fat Bitch . . . A Big Fat Bitch . . . A Big Fat Bitch

2009-01-11T15:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, Ann, for why do you taunt me so? Your interview with Matt Lauer of the Today Show last week left me positively giddy. I sat giddily watching the television, hands clasped, eyes wide like a child waiting for Saturday morning cartoons. What would you say? What would you do? Oh, the anticipation was just too much. And alas, dear Ann, you did not disappoint.
Feeling a little left out? Here's the skinny. (pun intended) Ann Coulter has made the rounds for the past couple of weeks to endorse her new book "Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America" More on said book in just a moment. Ms. Coulter was scheduled to appear on the Today Show on Monday, but was bumped from her time slot by someone talking about something more important than herself. Something about the economy or the stock market or, well . . . who cares. Anyways, Ms. Coulter and that big fat chip on her shoulder went out and declared that the Today Show had banned her for life. A situation which I'm sure the producers wished were possible. Sorry, Today Show. Unfortunately Ann Coulter, like bird flu and extra baggage fees at the airport, are just problems of modern society that we are just going to have to learn to live with.
The Today Show, taking the higher ground, invited Ms. Coulter back for Tuesday's show. I'm assuming they wanted to show Ms. Coulter that she was not in fact, banned for life, as she herself claimed on her own website. However, giving this crazy lady any sort of forum is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. She just can't resist to let all of America know what a self-important, coked up, tranny (she has an Adam's Apple, people) bitch she really is.
Ms. Coulter denied that she said the Today Show had banned her for life blaming the whole thing on the Drudge Report. No doubt, but it's still right there on your own website, Ann. We liberals may be many things, but we do in fact know how to read.
Poor Matt Lauer was stuck trying to reason with this she-devil. Getting her to stay on topic was like trying to watch someone herd cats. Just not gonna happen. Watching an Ann Coulter interview is akin to watching a Robin Williams interview, but in a whole weird new way.
Finally she was able to promote her aforementioned book "Guilty:Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America" I just had to put it in here again. I do so love the title. Victims? Hmm? I suppose if you wanted to define victim as one who has been royally screwed for the past eight years and lied to by their government, then yeah, I guess Victim pretty much covers it.
The point that Ms. Coulter tried to make with her book however is that the 'Liberal Media' elected Barrack Obama by supporting him throughout the whole campaign, never giving John McCain a fair chance. She makes the argument that the hardest questions NBC's Brian Williams asked Obama were about his parents and how they would have felt about his life today, meanwhile Sarah Palin was forced to memorize capitals and Presidents of foreign lands so as not to appear stupid in interviews. 'Appear' stupid? Come on Ann, even my 9 yr. old daughter knows that Moose Twit didn't have to 'appear' anything. She is stupid. The GOP couldn't even make her appear sane, much less intelligent.
And as for John McCain . . . When a candidate for the Presidency of the Untied States of America appears at a fund raiser singing "Bomb, bomb, bomb. Bomb, bomb, Iran." Well, it's just kind of hard to pin that into anything even close to PC.
Hey Ann, you must have some really big balls (I'm guessing maybe, literally) to accuse the left of portraying themselves as victims when your own party can barely keep it's head above water.
I could go on and on about the audacity of this psycho witch, but I think it's best to let Ms. Coulter speak for herself.
Although I will leave you with one last snippet of Ms. Coulter's glaring hypocrisy and apparent lack of self-awareness. In May of 2003 she was quoted as saying, "It would be a much better country if women did not vote." I shit you not. She actually said that. You can't make this crap up. On the flip-side, however, Ms. Coulter has been accused of voter fraud. Twice. Way to go, Ann. Keep it real. And for God's sake don't quit what your day job. We liberals need stuff to bitch over, too.

The Nerve of This Guy

2008-12-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

So by now you have all heard of Ol' What's His Name. You know the slimy governor from Illinois. Blogo . . . no that's not it. Bagosavits - not so much. Oh yeah, Blagojavich (after an extensive Google search I found out it kind of rhymes with son of a bitch if you say it real fast) Rod Blagojavich. What a name. Even Ann (it's all about me) Curry from the Today show just calls him the governor from Illinois. And since I'm no where near as falsely sincere as Ms. Curry, and it takes me like five minutes to type out Blagojavich one hellish letter at a time he will be referred to here as Gov. Alphabet (a nod to my northern friends).
Gov. Alphabet has gotten himself into a spot of trouble, as you may have heard. Apparently it's frowned upon to sell a seat in the United States Senate. Who knew? But here's the thing - I'm kind of finding it hard to hate the guy. I can just hear the Republicans now, but that's beside the point.
I feel like Gov. Alphabet has some great big huge shiny Christmas Balls (for the sake of the season) on him. Not only has he not apologized for his crime, at least with any sincerity. He doesn't even seem to get what the big deal is. And for my money, while of course I understand that it is wrong to sell a Senate appointment, I just can't figure out why everyone is so surprised.
The news media is acting like this is the first time anything like this has ever happened. Like George Bush just magically won the election in 2000. The Today show even trotted out Mr. GQ Dan Abrams, hot shot legal analyst, to explain to all us window lickers just why exactly it was wrong to offer up to the highest bidder the latest Senate seat up for grabs.
Come on this kind of thing must happen all the freakin' time, right? I mean, granted it's usually more of an "I'll scratch your back and you'll scratch mine" kind of a situation. But that's kind of my point. I have to admire Ol' Alphabet for going straight for the cash. He told it like it is, which is always high in my book. Of course he's going to jail for it, but I kind of see Gov. Alphabet as the kind of guy who knew that such a thing was always possible (and seriously- who knows what else he's done that deserves investigating) and just takes it as a matter of due course. Kind of like when the Godfather had to go in front of the Senate Committee.
So Gov. Alphabet will go to jail for attempting to solicit payment for a political appointment, but will anything really change? His potty mouth wife Carmella, I mean Patti will be waiting for him when he gets out and together they will hatch some new scheme to get on top and the only thing that will really have changes in the world of political appointments is that crooked politicians will just have to get even crookeder. (as a dog's hind leg, some might say) You've heard the old saying, haven't you? Build a better mouse trap and all you get is a smarter mouse.

Prayer in School -- I don't think so

2008-11-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

I got a forwarded email today to sign a petition to put prayer back in public schools. Obviously such petitions are often futile and will lead to nothing more than filling people's in-boxes and giving them some small sense of purpose that they have done 'The Right Thing'. Now, anyone who has read my blog has probably already guessed what happened to said email. DELETE, of course. But it did get me thinking that perhaps such emails as these, and of course the ones who depict the face of Jesus in the clouds or sunset or some other such bull shit that we're supposed to forward to 10 'friends' in the next 24 hours or we'll come down with a raging case of Taiwanese Cat Flu or something, are really just symptoms of a messed up world.
Now please, don't send me emails telling me that I am a horrible person and that I just need to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior for all to be right with my world. Do I? Will it, really? So, enough. You are just wasting your time, not to mention mine. If you have embraced Jesus, or any other deity of your choice, and such a choice brings peace and meaning to your life, then I am happy for you. I myself have made a different choice and I am quite fine with it. Please do not concern yourself on my account.
Which leads me back to the bible-beating emailer. I was vaguely surprised to get any correspondence from this person at all. Evidently they are still trying to 'save' me. I say still because this is not the first unrequited attempt this person has made for my soul. About a year ago I opened my mailbox to find one of those little envelopes that either means you have gotten a Thank-You note from someones baby shower or your kid has gotten birthday invitation that you will be obliged to attend. Imagine my surprise when it was neither. I opened it up and it was a picture of Jesus (I'm just assuming here, having never met the man myself) cradling a little lamb. Sweet, but I'm still unmoved. I open it up to see what is on the inside wondering to myself that it is a little early for Christmas cards. Nope, no Christmas Card either.
Inside was a hand written note (always a nice touch when you're condescending to someone) that read "You are in my thoughts. I am praying for you during this time." What the hell? What time? It was not as if I, or someone in my family were dealing with a serious illness or a death. My life was really in a pretty good place at the time (still is for the record) and I couldn't figure out why someone would feel the need to pray for me. I looked further down the card to where it was signed simply "Blessings". No name but, Aha. The way the person had signed Blessings was strangely similar to the way that they had signed their last name on a birthday card a few weeks ago. I am, of course, no FBI handwriting analysis, but come on. I knew who it was and what she had done.
She had Hit-and-Run Prayer Carded me.
I had known this person since high school and we had always been pretty good friends. That is until she found the Lord. ( I didn't know he was missing) I have lots of Christian friends and all of them that know of my beliefs seem to accept them and at least respect that I am not a horrible person for believing differently than them. Just as I respect their beliefs. But this lady really crossed the line. I had assumed that we were friends only to find out that she thought I was such a terrible person that I needed to be prayed for the 'fix' me so I could still be in her inner circle. Well, save your breath to cool your soup with, lady. I'm just fine. And you can't accept me for who I am then that fine, too. I don't have time to deal with your particular brand of crap anyway.
And while we are at it don't send me any more God-thumping emails. If I didn't fall down upon my knees at sight of your prayer card, I'm certainly not going to sign your prayer in school petition either. Are you retarded?
I wouldn't sign that crap even if anyone else sent it to me. Prayer doesn't belong in school and if you think it does then send your kids to private school. My kids are just fine.
Religion is a personal choice and I for one think out public schools need to be more focused on making sure our children don't fall anymore behind the rest of the developed world in education. Maybe not so much time on saving their souls. Just look at George Bush. I heard he prays a lot. Seems to be working for him . . .Not. I think I'll not stay the course on this one and you, prayer card lady, can like it or lump it.
THE END!

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard Of . . . and I've Heard A Lot.

2008-11-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

So I was checking out what was on TLC this weekend, 'cause I'm just that big of a geek, when I happened upon this show about these Purity Balls. Well, this is gonna be good, I tell myself and I was so not disappointed.
It was about these balls that these girls go to with heir fathers (mostly in the southwest Us, but they are catching on all over the country, where they basically pledge to not have sex until they are married. They even sign a contract with their fathers. Oh well, if there's a contract. How creepy?
I had to know more. Lucky me, they have a website (www.fatherdaughterpurity.org ) where you can go to learn that "The Father/Daughter Purity Ball is a memorable evening for fathers and daughters to spend time together . . . and sign a commitment to purity." Wickepedia says that it is sometimes even referred to as a "Purity Wedding" OK, now I'm officially freaked out.
Now, I have never been a huge fan of the whole 'wait for marriage' movement, popular as it is among most people. (You know, the one's mostly out of touch with all sense of reality. I wonder if Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, or Trigger, or Pokemon, or whatever the hell her name is had to sign one of these ridiculous contracts. Sure did work -- but that's another story) I just find it so unrealistic to expect a person to wait until marriage to have sex, especially when you are also telling them to wait until later and later to get married.
Of course I am not promoting any sort of free-love movement or anything (although it'd be a lot cooler if I did). I'm just saying that there has got to be a way to teach our daughters their self worth with out making them sign some ridiculous commitment to their fathers until they sign some (some would say equally ridiculous) commitment to their husbands. When do these girls get to be masters of their own sexuality?
You certainly don't have to give it up to the first person with a wine cooler at Joe Bob's after-prom party. But on the other hand, perhaps you should experience some of what life has to offer before you make such a major decision as who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
And what about the girls that do save it for marriage, guarding it 'till the end like it's some sort of secret? Guess what? It ain't. What if they make it to the wedding night, they've found the most amazing guy, and they just can't wait any longer, this is gonna be so great, and (drum roll please) it sucks.
Then what? Your stuck, is what. This is it? This is what they make movies about, what wars have been fought over, what Bon Jovi was singing about all that time? This is what I've been saving? What a crock!
Now, please don't get me wrong. Saving yourself for marriage is a totally personal decision and it may work for some people ( I don't know who - but someone). But that's just my point - it's personal. Why do you have to sign a contract with your father, of all people, to prove it? It's more than just a little weird. It's a whole new and backhanded way of sexualizing young girls and in turn cheapening that sexuality by taking their choice out of the equation.
Some people just need to get a grip. If you talk to your daughters and are open about sex and pay them a little attention now and then, then maybe they won't be so apt to fall into bed with the first Joe Six Pack who looks at her. If your daughter knows her own value then she will also be able to identify the people who respect and value her in turn. Maybe it won't be her husband, but who cares? I would rather that, than my daughter wound up married to some dick because she just couldn't save it any longer.
And by the way, why is no one having Purity Balls for boys? Is a boys sexuality not any more precious than a girls? Or is yet again a double standard placed on girls to keep women in their place? If that's the case, it seems to be working. I'm certainly in my place and content to stay there.

Experience This, McCain

2008-10-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

I am so ever lovingly sick of hearing John McCain harp about Barack Obama's supposed lack of experience. Who the hell does he think he is to criticize someone's level of experience?
Sen. McSame has been in Washington for almost 30 years and for the past eight years he has voted with President George W. Bush 9 out of 10 times. That means that ninety percent of the time he actually thought that W. was doing the right thing. Or even if he didn't, he was willing to vote that way in order to kiss his ass. Is that the kind of experience America needs. I think not. One of McCain's ads even raises the question "would you want a doctor with only one year of experience operating on you?" Perhaps the better question is, "Would you choose the doctor with one year of experience or the doctor who has killed nine out of ten of his patients?" Umm, hey Rookie. Over here.
It has been my experience that if something isn't working, you don't keep doing the same thing over and over again and hope for a different result. Clearly our country is broken right now. The Republican answer to fixing any problem has always been 'if you can't fix it with what you have, don't change, just get a bigger hammer' Anyone remember "Stay the course"? Personally, I think Obama's lack of 'Washington' experience is refreshing. I want someone who is going to go in and make changes. The world changes and we as people have to change with it. Obama understands that. McCain is simply a bigger hammer.
Also let's not forget some of McCain's own campaign choices. Is he really qualified to question Obama's readiness for the Presidency based on lack of experience when he picked Caribou Barbie for his running mate. Sarah Palin is dumber than a ten-pound bag of stupid and he has picked her to be a heartbeat away from the presidency. One heartbeat. And let's face it, McCain's a fossil. Given the rigorous demands and stresses of the Presidency, how many heartbeats can he actually have in him? I don't mean to sound ageist - but come on. Stop trying to convince me that Obama doesn't have the experience needed to lead the country and spend more time trying to assure people that you're actually going to be alive for the next four years. I'd feel a lot better knowing that I wasn't going to be stuck with Billy Madison's big sister as my President when you croak.
Even McCain's own party is through with him. Gen. Colin Powell, a Republican and one of the most widely respected men (by both major parties) in the country, has thrown his support to Barack Obama citing his concerns over Sarah Palin's lack of experience. That is huge. I don't think there is any way McCain can recover from that, Thank God. He might as well spend the rest of his time picking out what pair of pajama's he's going to wear in bed in one of his seven (or is it nine?) homes on inauguration night. I hear it's cold in Alaska in January. Perhaps he and Sarah Palin could get matching pairs. Maybe with Moose on them. No no, Elephants. They really are funny creatures, aren't they?

Playground Prostitutes?

2008-10-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

My daughter's ninth birthday is coming up. Yes, my baby girl is entering her 'tweens', a category I don't remember when I was her age. If I recall, we were little girls until 13 when we officially got to be teenagers. Even the we watched our share of Saturday morning cartoons (another fossil from pre-historic times), not that we would ever want our friends to find out that we slept in Winnie-the Pooh pajamas and got up early to watch Garfield and Friends.
Today, however, it's different. We live in a society where every product is marketed to specific age groups and even kids are considered consumers. Perhaps it has something to do with parents inability to say 'no!' and get their children whatever they whine for. Kids in my daughter's class have cell phones. Cell phones! What in the world could a third grader need a cell phone for?
So my husband and I decided that nine was a good age to stop the birthday party ritual. We are still celebrating her birthday, of course. We will have a nice family dinner, invite the grandparents, have a little pie (the birthday girl's choice - smart kid), and she can open her presents, and fun will be had by all. What we will not be doing is blowing the national budget on a cracked out, over the top, birthday bonanza that will do nothing but wreck my house and my wallet and leave me in a crumpled heap on the kitchen floor wondering what I will do next year to top it. And we don't just try to outdo ourselves.
We moms have to compete with every other mom on the birthday party circuit. Little Suzy has a bowling party? We're having a hula party, complete with grass skirts, real pineapples and coconuts, and a little 'hush up and were this cocnut bra and have a good time, damn it'.
The next party she's invited to is a sleepover. Crap. You know what that means. Roll out the air mattress, honey. We're having a slumber party. But I couldn't have just any slumber party. I had to have a spa party where the girls got to make their own bubble bath and lip-gloss and generally make a ginormous mess of my dining room. They refused to even think about sleep until my sister-in-law had the bright idea to set all the clocks ahead and tell them it was four in the morning. It worked. But still, no more sleepovers.
Last year we had a Halloween party. Fun and easy to decorate for. But still exhausting, not to mention expensive.
So this year, I said No Party. We decided to go shopping instead. I told Sweet-Pea that we would use the money that we would have used for a party to buy clothes instead. This was greeted with much enthusiasm. She loves clothes and especially shoes. Imelda Marcos would be jealous of this girl's shoe stash.
We got up early, drove two hours to our states biggest mall, on college game-day no less, and proceeded to spend four of the most miserable hours of my life. Sweet-Pea was in her glory. At least for a while anyways. I let her pretty much have her way in Libby-Lu. A girl has to be a girl after all. Then it was on to actual clothes shopping. What a surprise.
I do not like people much, so I do most of my shopping online. Consequently, it had been quite a while since I had been in a mall, much less stores that catered to young girls. Imagine my surprise when I was surrounded by belly shirts meant for third graders and pants with 'heart breaker' emblazoned across the ass. What the hell kind of school-age stripper store was I in?
"Oh, mom," Sweet-Pea gushed. "So and so has this exact sweater. Can I have it? Please please please." The sweater in question was hot pink leopard print with 'Miss Kitty' spelled out in sequins across the chest. Miss Kitty? Wasn't that the hooker from Gunsmoke?
"Uh, no," I say without question. She just puts the sweater back with one of those 'I knew you weren't cool' looks. Whatever. If the sexualization of elementary age girls is what passes for cool these days then I'll gladly be a Poindexter.
Everywhere we look for the rest of the day I am reminded of what the world has come to. And what's worse my daughter is reminded time and time again that she has to be 'sexy' in order to be pretty. Even if she doesn't know what 'sexy' is.
I blame the Brittany's and Paris's and the Lindsey's. These girls are everywhere, making a name for themselves by doing no more than partying and having a good time. They were skimpy (read: slutty) clothes, do trashy things, get arrested and we are all supposed to let our daughters look up to them. Hell, Brittany can't even keep her own kids. The courts decided K-Fed would be a better parent ( a man who abandoned his pregnant girlfriend to be with Brit, by the way). So what would make anyone want to be like her? Who knows. But it's certainly out there.
Finally after laboring for what seemed like days we were able to put together several cute outfits that we both agreed on. Mostly from the GAP, where I was happy to spend a little extra money for a quality piece of clothing that actually covered sweet pea's little ass and didn't have any sort of cheap graffiti written on it. She was finally getting it, I thought, when she help up a cute little plaid skirt. "This isn't too 'hoochy', is it, mommy?" I shook my head no. It was jsut right as a matter of fact. Plaid and plenty of fabric for me. Tiny bit of lace peeking out at the hem for her. We even agreed on a matching sweater that while it did have sequins, they were trimming out the collar instead of spelling out some dress-code no no. And of course, there were shoes. She wanted wedges, I wanted flats. We settled on a cute pair of cowboy boots with a little bit of sparkle design up the side. Compromise is a beautiful thing. Just like my daughter actually looking nine on her ninth birthday.
The moral of this story is this. We as parents have to stand our ground and teach our daughters the value of self respect and decency. If we don't then they will get their values elsewhere. iCarly and Hannah Montana are certainly ready to take up the slack. Don't be fooled by Miley's wholesome apple-pie act. She may be a sweet girl with a good head on her shoulders, but remember this : even Brittany was a Mousketeer once upon a time. And let's face it who wants a teenager with a shaved head and a sex video?
* For more on this topic please read the book Stop Dressing Your Six-Year Old Like a Skank available at Amazon.com.

You take care of your brats, I'll take care of mine.

2008-10-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

I got in a fight at the pediatricians today. Big surprise, huh?
It's flu shot time, and while my kids are on fall break I thought I would take them to get theirs. Little did I know I would be walking into a freakin' mad house.
We walked in, and what I assumed to be a waiting room full of sick kids was actually the demon offspring of one sad woman. There were only two of them, boys both under five or six, plus the screaming baby that wailed its head off from the depths of its car seat.
"Let's set over here," I say to my kids, ushering them towards the well patient section. I shoot the lady a 'For the love of God' look before walking behind the partition. She doesn't see me because, ironically, she's got her face buried in a Parenting magazine. Of course.
Thankfully we are out of sight of the little trouble makers who, when last we saw them, were attempting to crawl through the receptionist's window while she was doing all she could to beat them off with tongue depressors. She finally succeeds, I guess, because I hear the window slam closed.
My kids, naturally attracted to all of the unsupervised carnage going on just beyond the flimsy little wall, are now pushing each other off the chairs and sticking their tongues out at one another. "Stop it," I say. "Just because other people are being rude, doesn't mean that we have to be, too." They stop. They know from experience that I am never so dangerous as when other people aren't minding their own children.
Just then one of the hell-spawn peaks over the partition. What the hell is he standing on, I wonder. That wall is at least six feet tall. He would have to be standing on top of his brother on top of the chair, which I don't doubt. I shake my head in shear wonderment. Does this woman have no idea what her kids are doing? Or does she simply not care? Perhaps she is hoping that they will kill themselves and save her the trouble.
Right at that moment the little bas-, I mean kid, coughs on my son's head. That does it. I am a bit of a fanatic about the germs. My son has asthma. And while it's not severe, a simple cold can escalate into something worse. And besides I don't want him to be infected with all the crazy.
So, I do it. I enter into somebody else's business. I walk around the partition. "Excuse me, ma'am?" She looks at me in surprise. "Could you please keep your kids on this side of the wall? I'm trying to keep my kids from getting sick."
"Por favor?" she asks. Shit. Now how am I going to sufficiently express my outrage? More importantly, how am I going to bitch her out so that she can understand and I don't come off as a racist? I involuntarily roll my eyes. Screw it.
"Keep them," I say pointing to her children, who by the way are now trying to dump the baby out of the car seat. "Over here." I point to the chairs, making a gesture that I hope she understands as 'tie those heathens up, if you have to!'
She gets it, all right. She stood up, and it was then that I realized that she was easily half a foot taller than me and built like a female wrestler. And not the respectable Olympic kind. We're talking WWE here. She gets this crazy look in her eye and walks toward me. She called me something that I am certain was a very rude name in Spanish.
I must have been right because her kids immediately hush, clearly recognizing a foul word when they hear it just like kids from all over the world.
"Lady, just make your kids mind, OK. The rest of us are tired of hearing it." The receptionist claps, then catches herself and merely smiles. The other mother might not have understood all my words, but she got the picture. She looks at her kids, now back to squirting the baby's bottle like a water gun. Then she looks at my kids (she can see over the partition). I am happy to note that they are absorbed in Nemo on the waiting room TV. They do not even take notice when Mom gets on her soapbox anymore. It happens a lot.
She gives me one more ugly look, then picks her children up (one in each arm) and places them forceably in chairs. They begin to pout, but do no more than kick at each others legs.
"Gracias," I try to say graciously. Thankfully my kids names were called shortly thereafter. The nurse gives me a smile of thanksgiving. Apparently these patients have been here before.
So that is the story of how my kids got extra suckers and stickers at the doctor's office and how I almost caused an international incident on 13th street, without even trying very hard. Funny the things that can happen in a waiting room.

Not Surprise

2008-10-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

So, OJ Simpson is guilty. Big freakin' surprise. He broke into a Vegas hotel room, accompanied by a group of thugs, guns blazing, demanding 'his' memorabilia. Here's a memory for you, OJ. Remember that time when you were a respected athlete and public figure. You know, back before you killed your wife and flaunted the fact that you got away with it all over the country.
And now he's bitching that he didn't get a fair trial. That the jurors were biased against him and were only punishing him for the 1994 murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman.
Maybe. But isn't that the way the universe works. You do bad things and then you pay for it. The end. Sometimes it may take a little longer for retribution to catch up with you, but in the end it always does. Just ask Earl. It's Karma, man.
So, now poor OJ has to pay the piper. Maybe a different piper, but a piper nonetheless. Even OJ himself is not surprised. When the verdict was read in court Friday after 13 hours of jury deliberation he could only let out a loud sigh. Almost like he knew it was coming. It has been reported that his sister collapsed and had to be led out of the court room. What did she collapse of - not surprise? I hear there's a lot of that going around these days. Look at Wall Street.
I suppose that he will have plenty of time in the pen to work on a book. Oh, wait. He already did that. A thinly veiled confession called 'If I Did It'. If- my ass. I guess he'll have to appoint someone else in charge of going to the golf course to look for the 'real killer' Give me a break.

Standard of Excellence?

2008-10-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

It's all the pundits can talk about. Sarah Palin held her own. Well, surprise. Surprise. If I'd had as much practice as she got on that AZ ranch, I could have debated a pit bull, too.
No, to give the Gov. credit, she did do a fairly admirable job of not messing it up. You could tell that she had studied and she was ready for this test. She spent a lot of time on energy, even when it had nothing to do with the question asked. But the American people know bullshit when they smell it. And Palin clearly BS-ed her way through that debate.
However, what will fool the American people is how down home, golly gee, Mrs. Palin appeared to be. And to some voters that's all they are looking for and Palin is glad to deliver. She would have you believe that she will be simultaneously fighting for these alleged tax cuts (which is a whole 'nother show, Sally), whipping up an apple pie, digging a pipeline from (gasp) Alaska, and ripping bed sheets into bandages for our troops. Please!
Give me Joe Biden as a VP any day. He does not apologize for the fact that he never tells you just what you want to hear. When he has been wrong in the past, he freely admits it. He has even admited that he has even learned from his mistakes. What a concept. And while he was respectful of Gov. Palin during the whole debate, he never held back from correcting her when she was wrong on any given point. Sen. Biden, you win a Tell It Like It Is Award for your performance at last night's VP debate. I actually feel like I have a better understanding of where he and Sen. Obama stand on certain issues.
Meanwhile, the best we can say for Gov. Palin is that she answered the questions (sort of) and that she knew every one's names (kind of). Apparently everyone, Republicans included, was expecting her to do so poorly that when she pulled through without any visible scratches they claimed a victory.
So is this it now, America? Is this the kind of Presidential administration that you want leading our country? An administration that judges success by not sucking? If that's the case what is their excuse for the last eight years?
Damn. Maybe Pres. Bush should enroll in the McCain/Palin boot camp to practice his public speaking. Maybe then he could Not Suck, too.

No Dumb Chick

2008-10-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

This morning I was taking my morning walk with my grandmother - don't laugh, I can barely keep up - when we passed a house with a Bush, I mean McCain/Palin sign in the yard. Nothing new in the decidedly red Christian College neighborhood where I walk. What was new was that today they had added a homemade sign with a picture of what can only be described as a sick roadrunner and the words "I'm Voting For the Chick" emblazoned across it. Nothing like advertising your stupidity.
So as we walked we talked about how the "chick" affected the climate of the campaign. Mamaw told me that she saw some TV political pundit say that Sarah Palin was brought on to the McCain campaign to try and sway Clinton voters away from Obama.
Wait just a minute. Hillary voters going over to the dark side just because they've called up some pig in lipstick from the minor leagues. Does the GOP think that women are really that stupid? I mean seriously. First off I do not recall one single woman supporting Hillary Clinton on the basis of her gender. In fact it was often the other way around. (Bros before Hoes, if I recall. Very clever, 'Bros') Secondly, I cannot imagine anyone who did support Mrs. Clinton, based on gender or otherwise, supporting Sarah Palin. There is absolutely no comparison on the issues.
Well, I can only assume that they are divided. Some of the issues like gun control, the war in Iraq, abortion, and gay marriage are just gimmes. But the fact is that I have absolutely no idea where Gov. Palin stands on health care, social security, education, etc. I haven't heard her say a word about it. In fact the only thing I do know for certain is that she allegedly has foreign policy experience because she can see Russia from her back door in Alaska. Well, hell, I could see a baseball field from my old house but it sure as shootin' didn't make me capable of managing the Yankees.
It seems like every time Gov. Palin is set down for the unavoidable interview she has a hard time understanding the questions, much less answering them. CBS even gave her an interview from Katie Couric which should have made her a little more comfortable since she's so Pro-Gal and all. But, alas, not so much. Poor Katie had a hard time trying to draw out even basic answers to what should have been pretty standard questions.
The Republicans are even a little embarrassed by her lack of experience, it seems. They wouldn't let her talk after last Friday's Presidential debate, instead trotting out Giuliani. Undeniably intelligent, in an ingenious diabolical Fearless Leader kind of way, he was evidently too morally bankrupt to lead the country or even veep. Good thing they got Ol' Sarah Palin. She may have a crazy right wing separatist husband, an ex-brother-in-law Alaska State Trooper rightfully out for blood, and no discernible experience of any kind to lead this country - other than 18 months as governor of a state that her own husband would like to see succeed from the Union; but who cares? She's got an all American son deploying to war, a pregnant teenage daughter (that's supposed to prove that the Palins are like all American families - the Spears family maybe?), and a baby who was discovered to have Downs Syndrome before it's birth and she courageously decided to keep anyway. And that's to say nothing of how good she looks in some lipstick.
So, Republicans, please do not believe that your desperate attempt to pull the wool over the eyes of women voters has worked. Contrary to what you have always believed American women are far far more intelligent than you give them credit for. Sarah Palin is nothing more than a GOP puppet (and a cheap one at that) for the good ol' boys club in a way that Hillary never could be. It has been said many times that nothing scares a Republican more than a smart woman, but evidently a dumb 'chick' will do just fine.

New To This

2008-09-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

I hadn't considered a blog for many reasons, not the least of which was the immage conjured of Rosie O'Donnell angrily typing away at another nonsensical hai-ku. But then my youngest child started school, and in typical housewife fashion, I got bored. What to do? What to do?
A year or so ago I had a temporary column for the Lexington Herald-Leader which I loved. After every column was published I would eagerly rush to my inbox to check on email. I appreciated all who agreed with me, or at least got what I was saying. And the people who didn't were the most fun. After a column on higher education for Appalachians I actually had one girl post that she wanted to throw something at me. Lovely.
No, I love dissension and I love to argue. I more than anyone know that everyone does not have to agree. We don't all just have to get along. And why would we want to?
As much as I loved my column, I found when it ended that I truly missed it. I missed having a voice - even though I didn't always get printed. I missed the response. And I missed having something that I created, on my own, separate from my husband and kids, to share with the world.
So here it is. The world may be sorry, but I sure as hell won't. Everybody has got to do a little tellin' it like it is sometimes.